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In an attempt to stay abreast of the confusing actions of our flailing government, I decided to tune into last night's Presidential address. Irritating as it was, my face contorting into all sorts of ugly shapes at the sight of President, and I use this term loosely, Bush, I forced myself to watch. "He ain't got no lips" kept running through my head. "But that lost 'tween the eyes look that he usually has isn't as bad tonight, so he must have lowered his Klonopin dosage" I thought. "I bet Nancy Pelosi wants to take her gavel and beat him to death." "Why are they all clapping for him?" "Oh, maybe I need to turn up my volume, so I can actually hear." Standing erect and not leaning forward in a definitive stance, speaking in a softer tone and with a hint of sincerity, President Bush proclaimed that Nancy Pelosi's father would be so proud to see her as Speaker of the House. "That haughty son-of-a-bitch is kowtowing!" I screamed, jarring my elderly lap cat from her sleep, sending her back claws into my upper thigh, barely and thankfully missing my scrotum. Humility that was bought with our tax dollars I'm sure. Yet whatever the coach/media relations expert/kindergarten teacher was paid was money well earned. Immediately, I began to think that he was more digestible and more tolerable, and I thought that maybe he was actually 3.5 inches fully erect, instead of the 2.1 that I've thought for as long as he's been in power, too many depressing years to count.

What is it with men, particularly straight white men, and the need to overcompensate for having a modest lot? How many wars, killings, maimings and other heinous acts have been carried out in a desperate bid to attain more length? Why doesn't the myth that trophy wives and mounted deer heads and bear skin rugs from the last hunting adventure add girth cease to exist? And standing far back from the urinal does not mean that you're related to Seabiscuit. All it means is that you piss on the floor. Some may falsely view this as marking their territory, but what they fail to realize is that the fellow in stall one is laying claim to the same area as he releases a few noxious log babies.

I do think things are looking up (pun intended). To see the most arrogant man whom I have ever witnessed humbled (wanting to write brought down to size but that contradicts my point) excites me. Maybe the world will see that civility, respect, cooperation, compassion, empathy, and passivity do not emasculate men. Maybe they'll see that the opposite is true. In fact, maybe President Bush's forced realization will lead to a form of redemption in an infomercial, a late-night ad that'll have more of an audience than any Presidential address. In the spot, Laura will sit next to President Bush, and he'll stare lovingly into her face, which is filtered and back lit to make her appear iridescent. He'll state, "All those times when I acted with an "it's my way or the highway" attitude and with assertivity (I know this isn't a word but remember who is speaking) and when I was controlling, just to prove that I was a man. It wasn't until you, my Dolly-Boo Laura, kicked me square in the ass, knocking me down to size, that I realized what a real man was. Now my confidence has soared, along with other parts of me. (He he he he...that annoying laugh of his). And for all you men out there who don't feel adequate enough in the old tool department, I recommend that you try kowtowing. It works. Why it even helped my old buddy, Karl Rove. He's never been happier with himself. (Cut to shot of Karl Rove inside a prison cell, smiling, as he sits at the feet of a very large bald man). As the scene cuts back to President Bush, he turns toward the camera. "For a free DVD on how to be a real kowtower, with scenes of Laura making me act like a chicken and peck around the ranch for food, call 1-800-GRO-DICK. And this is "Dick" as in ding-dong, peter, brother boy, little man George, Laura's tickle tater. And not my old buddy Dick Cheney. (He he he he). So go on and call now, if you're ready to be all the man you can be. (He he he he).